I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
