one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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