I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
