Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
