Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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