Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
