I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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