I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
the liver wants what the liver wants
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
