woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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