Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't tell me you're on acid again
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
