finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
