just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
