I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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