im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
