I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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