The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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