between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
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Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize