Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
