i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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