Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
