I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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