i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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