someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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