I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
