I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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