Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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