My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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