do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
