When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
