I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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