Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
