I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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