i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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