I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
either way he was missing a nipple.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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