I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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