i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
