If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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