I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
