You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
