I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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