So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
