I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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