btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
