is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
