The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
