His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
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Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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