just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
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I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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