this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
