So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
