Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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