just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
