i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize