watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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