The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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