he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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