It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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