Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
