maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
