You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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