Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
